On
the other hand, there's something so wonderfully powerful about
refusing to accept another person's atonement. You can keep your anger
in full flaming passion, which can sustain you long after you've
forgotten exactly why you're so mad in the first place. You can milk
every last drop of public sympathy in your role as the proud, righteous
Wounded Victim. You can even have the satisfaction of knowing that as
long as you stand your ground, the person who did you wrong is a lesser
human being. He or she is a soul smudged by that one sin that has yet
to be washed away on earth--and you're the one with the scrub brush.
But
the trouble with grudges is that they can severely sap you of your
inner peace, and they go against every spiritual ideal. We say that we
"carry" a grudge, and with good reason. It's a huge burden on your soul
as well as your mind. When you have to lug your grudge around for days
or weeks or years or decades on end, it tends to get heavier rather
than lighter, and the forgiving harder and harder to do, until the
relationship is flooded with so much hurt and resentment that there's no
going back
It's
difficult to move forward as an individual when you've got that kind of
anchor keeping you weighted to the past. So in a sense, it's as if
that person is causing more damage than he or she actually did.
It's
not easy by any means, but people can forgive each other for enormous
wrongs. Wives and husbands forgive affairs. Parents forgive children
who say hurtful things. Friends accept apologies for borrowed items
that have been lost. Divorced people find it in their hearts to forgive
whatever their ex did to end the marriage.
Is
there someone in your life you're furious at right now? Someone you're
not speaking to? Someone you've vowed never to forgive? This exercise
is for you. Hard as it may be, you're going to have to at least plant
the seeds of forgiveness. Even if you were absolutely, without-a-doubt
right and the other person was totally, undeniably wrong, you're not
going to be a happier person for holding that against him or her.
First,
close your eyes and imagine that person sitting in front of you.
Imagine him or her saying, "I'm so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?"
(Never mind if the person would never say that in real life; this is a
visualization and you can do whatever you want within it.) Now picture
yourself saying, "I forgive you"--and meaning it. Say it again. Say it
as many times as it takes until you can honestly believe it. Now
picture your anger at that person as a huge boulder over your heart.
Feel its weight. Then make that boulder gradually dissolve until all
that's left is dust. Make that dust trickle through your body from your
head down to your feet and out through your toes. Breathe deeply a few
times and feel how light your heart is now.
The
next step, if you have the courage to take it, is to find closure in
person. if the person who has wronged you has already apologized, call
or write him or her and say, "I forgive you." If the person hasn't,
consider making the first move. Use that call or letter to say, "I
don't want this to come between us. Can't we find a way to get past
this hurt?" But if you just can't deal with the actual confrontation,
then focus on living without the grudge. You've forgiven that person in
your heart; now it's time to move on.
Let
me clarify something, though: forgiving someone doesn't mean
forgetting the deed. We have to remember the things that pass between
us and others, even the painful ones, in order to avoid repeating the
same mistakes. And I'm not asking you to welcome back with open arms
the one who wronged you. There are some people whom you must keep out
of your life--abusers, molesters, addicts who hurt others with their
addictions, people who drain your energy and money.
What
forgiveness does mean, however, is that you're allowing yourself to
move beyond that strength-sapping hatred and hurt feelings, to free
yourself from the time-consuming task of nursing the resentment. Then
you can spend that time in more productive, life-affirming ways.
Grudges don't bring out the best in us. Forgiveness does.
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